Meat, Murder, and Morrissey

I kind of vaguely remember Morrissey from back in the day, but I'm not really sure I can think of any of his songs. In any event, this guy Morrissey is upset that he has to share the world with people who have different views from his.

Life is tough when you're an aging rock star that no one really remembers, and you don't eat meat. So, after bering invited on the Jimmy Kimmel, Morrissey decides that he can't agree to go on the show until his demands are met. These demands? Oh nothing, just disinvite some of the other scheduled guests.

The former Smiths frontman and outspoken vegetarian/animal-rights activist has announced that he won't be appearing on Jimmy Kimmel LIve on Tuesday because he doesn't want to share the stage with the animal-stalking crew of the reality TV series "Duck Dynasty."

In explaining his decision, Morrissey, never one to withhold an opinion, referred to the show's stars as "animal serial killers."

"As far as my reputation is concerned, I can't take the risk of being on a show alongside people who, in effect, amount to animal serial killers," the singer said in a statement posted online. "If Jimmy cannot dump 'Duck Dynasty,' then we must step away."

Wait, what? The guys from Duck Dynasty are so evil that a rock star can't be on stage in the same show with them? These guys make duck calls and go duck hunting. That's it. They're not part of Hitler's lost SS Battalion, they aren't in a Satanic cult, and they aren't lawyers.

They're just country folks who hunt. Really. That's it. And they're "animal serial killers". Well, I guess I'm in the "serial killer" club as well. I guess everyone who's in Ducks Unlimited, hunts deer, or even fishes, is now part of the ol' serial killer club. Do we get any perks? Are there any badges or anything?

These militant vegans are seriously crazy. The funny part is that they are the most intolerant people you'll meet. I used to know one. In college, a militant vegan was housemates with a friend of mine. This militant vegan was extreme, which is her choice. The odd part was that her cats (yes she had animal companions) were forced to partake in her vegan lifestyle. Whenever I would visit, I would ultimately end up getting in debates about eating meat and such. I'm sure you'll be shocked to know that we never really ended up convincing the other person. Basically, I was the antithesis of everything good to her - a white, southern male who killed animals and ate meat. Yep, an animal serial killer.

I noticed that whenever I would come over that her cats would always come into the kitchen when I would cook, as I was cooking meat, and they were forced to eat seaweed or something equally icky and vegan. I knew that because she disliked all my meat eating, if I could get her cats to love me, it would really annoy her.

It's amazing how rubbing a little chicken grease on your shoelaces keeps cats sitting at your feet and licking your shoes your all night long.