Putin Knows How to Get People to the Polls

Every election here in the US, whether it's local, state, or national, I always hear the same thing. It's going to come down to voter turnout. So the politicians hire strategists like Karl Rove and David Axelrod to try and come up with a plan that gets their voters mobilized, energized, and out to actually vote.

Vladimir Putin has surpassed everyone here in the US in that regard.

With about half of the precincts reporting, 95.5% of the people of Crimea have voted to be join Russia. We here at the Permanent Press Decision Desk™ can now officially call this election for Russia.

Our sources on the ground in Crimea say that Putin really mobilized his base of ethnic Russians. Alsothe all important block of swing voters comprised of soccer moms and people who didn't want to be shot broke for Russia at the last moment.

Vladimir Putin's Campaign Staff

 In his post-election victory speech, Putin praised his uniformed staff for their efforts leading up to this crucial election.

"I thought about sending my staff door-to-door before the election to let people know our message, but I figured that I would just let all the voters know that we would be going door-to-door after the election if it didn't go our way. We saved a lot of time and energy with this strategy".

In an exit poll survey, 99% of the people who ended up voting for annexation to Russia cited "Not wanting to face the business end of an AK-47" as their main motivating factor.

In a related note, several voters praised the efficiency of the voting system, as compared to the Richland County Elections Board in Columbia, South Carolina. One voter in Crimiea said "Hey, at least we didn't have to stand in line for three hours to vote like those poor people in Richland County. Our ballots were actually pre-marked for us. We only  wait in long lines when we want to buy bread."