We're Going to Degrade Assad's Spoon Inventory

A "senior official" at the White House just described the planned attack:

The strike, as envisioned, would be limited in the number of targets and done within a day or two. It could be completed in one fell swoop with missiles, said one senior official familiar with the weapons involved. A smaller, follow-on strike could be launched if targets aren’t sufficiently damaged.

A second senior official, who has seen the most recent planning, offered this metaphor to describe such a strike: If Assad is eating Cheerios, we’re going to take away his spoon and give him a fork. Will that degrade his ability to eat Cheerios? Yes. Will it deter him? Maybe. But he’ll still be able to eat Cheerios.

Seriously.

We're going to take away his spoon and give him a fork. These are the people in charge of my country right now. Sleep tight, America.

I don't know about the rest of you campers, but I can eat cereal pretty well with a fork. And isn't the idea to make it where I don't want to continue eating the cereal or don't have the capability to keep eating the cereal?

First of all, that's the dumbest metaphor for a military operation ever. Wait a second! What if that's not a metaphor? What if that's the plan! Gotcha, Assad! You're spoonless now. I bet you'll think twice about using chemical weapons now that you don't have any spoons. Looks like it's all solid breakfast food for you from now on!

Second, remember: we're just "sending a message" here, y'all. And the message is what? You're reduced to forks now, Assad! Maybe we should just drive by Assad's house and throw a lit sting of black cats in his front yard. That might have the same effect. Also, I hear egging some tanks and airplanes is a good way to send a message. Don't forget about the ol' flaming bag of poo on the doorstep. That's a classic.

So, to sum up: This is a hugely important moment for the entire world, and it requires an unbelievably small response from the United States that is merely symbolic, all so the rest of the world will respect us. Got it.

Maybe we should just send Assad a dead fish wrapped in a newspaper.

OPERATION: Total Clownshow

Also, per the piece above: "Degrade" is not a military textbook term, the four officers and officials said. In other words, it is open to interpretation. I had a little riff going on this word over at Brad's place, so I'd like to go ahead and say this now: I was right.