Tuesday, March 19, 2013

SEC Football Teams as Game of Thrones Characters

A law-school friend of mine found a CBS piece that compared all the NCAA Basketball teams to characters in Game of Thrones. I don't watch bouncy-hoops, so I decided to do the same thing for something that everyone actually likes - SEC Football. If you don't watch Game of Thrones, or know anything about it don't bother reading any further. Go back to watching whatever girly show you watch. Even though it's not actively football season, Game of Thrones will be starting Season Three at the end of this month.

Here's how I would align characters with SEC Teams:

SEC West

AlabamaTywin Lannister. This was the easiest character to do. The Elder lannister lord is calculating, ruthless, and controlling. Just like The Tide. They have a huge army, and their color is red. No one outside of their house likes them very much.

Auburn -Jaime Lannister. Auburn wishes that it could be Alabama, and Jamie wishes that he could be his father Tywin. Auburn has had brief moments of victory, much like the Jaime “the Kingslayer” Lannister, both Auburn and Jamie are overconfident, impulsive, and without morals. They both relish their image, and there’s incest going on.

LSU Daenerys Targaryen. The more I think about this one, the more it makes sense. Daenerys is a survivor and can manipulate some super-dangerous dragons with magic. Likewise, LSU brings live, dangerous beasts out on the field during games, and Les Miles certainly has some magic in that ol’ hat of his. He conjures fire and somehow always walks away from what should be certain death. Neither is to be underestimated. The followers they both have are really fanatically crazy.

Arkansas - Petyr Baelish a/k/a LittleFinger. Baelish is sneaky, underhanded, and mainly exists with the aid of his spies. He’s always looked down on by the tougher other houses (Alabama, LSU). Arkansas is always ready to fight, but they do it with their own style of play that will beat a lesser opponent before the eventual beat down that comes at the hands of skilled fighters.

Texas A&M - Robb Stark. Robb is the new heir to the Northern Kingdom after his father is executed, and he immediately runs out and attacks (with success) the strongest army in the land. TAMU has done the same thing with Johnny Football at the helm. They are new to the power and they’ve really stung the traditional power (Alabama/Tywin Lannister). It remains to be seen if they can keep the victories in the field of battle going.

Ole Miss - Bran Stark. He’s the youngest of the [one of the younger] Stark children, and he can’t really fight. He’s great at entertaining himself by climbing walls, but he gets pushed off the wall by Jamie Lannistser, and almost dies. He’s then attacked again, and almost dies. He’s now suffering from crazy dreams, which is not unlike what happens to you after an afternoon in the Grove. Ole Miss just keeps getting beat up by the bigger kids. They aren’t ready to fight yet.

Mississippi State - Arya Stark. She’s learning to defend herself a little bit – in a cutesy sort of way. Every once in awhile she’ll hurt someone, and everyone cheers for her. The cowbells at Mississippi State are kind of a similar subtle threat. We all pat them on the head and say “that’s cute, they’re ringing bells” in the same way a little girl with a sword is cute.

SEC East

Florida - Joffrey Baratheon. Really crazy and really into hurting people. Brandon Spikes anyone? All the Florida players seem to now just really enjoy beating the hell out of their opponents physically, because the offense can’t seem to get it in gear, kind of like how Joffrey beats the prostitutes rather than sleeping with them. Both are dangerous and unstable.

Georgia - Stannis Baratheon. Stannis is a brooding, humorless man, and Georgia fans are a brooding bunch. They are high nobility from times past, but they’ve fallen on unlucky times recently. They keep looking to their new running backs as saviors; every Georgia fan thinks the next running back is “the next Hershel”, just like Stannis commits himself to the new high priestess of fire. Ultimately, the Bulldogs end up almost always losing to Florida, in a similar fashion to the battle of King’s Landing.

South CarolinaTyrion Lannister. You can’t help but love all the one-liners from Tyrion or Spurrier. Both Tyrion and the Gamecocks are looked down on as poor fighters, and both still enjoy partying, and drinking despite poor showings on the field. However, both Tyrion and the Gamecocks want to prove themselves worthy of being in their house (the SEC East) and have moments of great defense (Clowney is the Wild Fire that Tyrion uses to utterly destroy Stannis’ fleet).

Tennessee - Cersei Lannister. Both UT and Cersei are evil, manipulative, and cruel. The Volunteers still think of themselves as nobility, but they are simply clinging to the past victories just like Cersei is only really important because she used to be married to the former king. Both now spend their time plotting their return to power, although everyone knows that it will end badly for them both.

Kentucky - Sansa Stark. She’s just stuck waiting for events around her to take their course. She waits for a marriage, then it doesn’t work out. She’s totally at the mercy of everyone else. Kind of like the Kentucky football program.

Vanderbilt - Jon Snow. Everyone kind of cheers for Jon Snow. He’s the nice guy who always finishes last, but he’s starting to toughen up in the Night’s Watch, just like Vanderbilt is that loveable loser that is starting to actually build a solid fundamental program. All the nobles make fun of him, but he’s confident that he’ll eventually take his place in the world, just like Vandy grads know they’ll eventually be asking Alabama grads for super-size fries.

Missouri - Bron. The guy comes from nothing, and is new to the scene, but he works his way up fast. He's a good-natured guy, but is also ruthless. If you turn your back on him he'll surprise you.