A law-school friend of mine found a CBS piece that compared all the NCAA Basketball teams to characters in Game of Thrones. I don't watch bouncy-hoops, so I decided to do the same thing for something that everyone actually likes - SEC Football. If you don't watch Game of Thrones, or know anything about it don't bother reading any further. Go back to watching whatever girly show you watch. Even though it's not actively football season, Game of Thrones will be starting Season Three at the end of this month.
Here's how I would align characters with SEC Teams:
SEC West
Alabama – Tywin Lannister. This was the easiest
character to do. The Elder lannister lord is calculating, ruthless, and
controlling. Just like The Tide. They have a huge army, and their color is
red. No one outside of their house likes them very much.
Auburn -Jaime Lannister. Auburn wishes that it could
be Alabama, and Jamie wishes that he could be his father Tywin. Auburn has had
brief moments of victory, much like the Jaime “the Kingslayer” Lannister, both
Auburn and Jamie are overconfident, impulsive, and without morals. They both
relish their image, and there’s incest going on.
LSU – Daenerys Targaryen. The more I think about this one, the more it makes sense. Daenerys is a
survivor and can manipulate some super-dangerous dragons with magic. Likewise, LSU brings live,
dangerous beasts out on the field during games, and Les Miles certainly has
some magic in that ol’ hat of his. He conjures fire and somehow always walks
away from what should be certain death. Neither is to be underestimated. The followers they both have are really fanatically crazy.
Arkansas - Petyr Baelish a/k/a LittleFinger. Baelish is sneaky,
underhanded, and mainly exists with the aid of his spies. He’s always looked
down on by the tougher other houses (Alabama, LSU). Arkansas is always ready to
fight, but they do it with their own style of play that will beat a lesser
opponent before the eventual beat down that comes at the hands of skilled
fighters.
Texas A&M - Robb Stark. Robb is the new heir to the
Northern Kingdom after his father is executed, and he immediately runs out and
attacks (with success) the strongest army in the land. TAMU has done the same thing
with Johnny Football at the helm. They are new to the power and they’ve really stung
the traditional power (Alabama/Tywin Lannister). It remains to be seen if they
can keep the victories in the field of battle going.
Ole Miss - Bran Stark. He’s the youngest of the [one of the younger] Stark
children, and he can’t really fight. He’s great at entertaining himself by
climbing walls, but he gets pushed off the wall by Jamie Lannistser, and almost
dies. He’s then attacked again, and almost dies. He’s now suffering from crazy dreams,
which is not unlike what happens to you after an afternoon in the Grove. Ole
Miss just keeps getting beat up by the bigger kids. They aren’t ready to fight
yet.
Mississippi State - Arya Stark. She’s learning to defend herself
a little bit – in a cutesy sort of way. Every once in awhile she’ll hurt someone,
and everyone cheers for her. The cowbells at Mississippi State are kind of a
similar subtle threat. We all pat them on the head and say “that’s cute, they’re
ringing bells” in the same way a little girl with a sword is cute.
SEC East
Florida - Joffrey Baratheon. Really crazy and really into
hurting people. Brandon Spikes anyone? All the Florida players seem to now just
really enjoy beating the hell out of their opponents physically, because the
offense can’t seem to get it in gear, kind of like how Joffrey beats the
prostitutes rather than sleeping with them. Both are dangerous and unstable.
Georgia - Stannis Baratheon. Stannis is a brooding,
humorless man, and Georgia fans are a brooding bunch. They are high nobility
from times past, but they’ve fallen on unlucky times recently. They keep
looking to their new running backs as saviors; every Georgia fan thinks the
next running back is “the next Hershel”, just like Stannis commits himself to
the new high priestess of fire. Ultimately, the Bulldogs end up almost always losing to Florida,
in a similar fashion to the battle of King’s Landing.
South Carolina – Tyrion Lannister. You can’t help but love
all the one-liners from Tyrion or Spurrier. Both Tyrion and the Gamecocks are
looked down on as poor fighters, and both still enjoy partying, and drinking despite poor showings on the field. However,
both Tyrion and the Gamecocks want to prove themselves worthy of being in their
house (the SEC East) and have moments of great defense (Clowney is the
Wild Fire that Tyrion uses to utterly destroy Stannis’ fleet).
Tennessee - Cersei Lannister. Both UT and Cersei are evil,
manipulative, and cruel. The Volunteers still think of themselves as nobility,
but they are simply clinging to the past victories just like Cersei is only
really important because she used to be married to the former king. Both now
spend their time plotting their return to power, although everyone knows that
it will end badly for them both.
Kentucky - Sansa Stark. She’s just stuck waiting for events
around her to take their course. She waits for a marriage, then it doesn’t work
out. She’s totally at the mercy of everyone else. Kind of like the Kentucky football program.
Vanderbilt - Jon Snow. Everyone kind of cheers for Jon Snow.
He’s the nice guy who always finishes last, but he’s starting to toughen up in
the Night’s Watch, just like Vanderbilt is that loveable loser that is starting
to actually build a solid fundamental program. All the nobles make fun of him,
but he’s confident that he’ll eventually take his place in the world, just like
Vandy grads know they’ll eventually be asking Alabama grads for super-size
fries.
Missouri - Bron. The guy comes from nothing, and is new to the scene, but he works his way up fast. He's a good-natured guy, but is also ruthless. If you turn your back on him he'll surprise you.
Missouri - Bron. The guy comes from nothing, and is new to the scene, but he works his way up fast. He's a good-natured guy, but is also ruthless. If you turn your back on him he'll surprise you.
I love this. But, just to clarify, Bran is not the youngest Stark child - Rickon is :)
ReplyDeleteYou're right. I forgot about him.
DeleteGreat piece!
ReplyDeleteThanks, bro.
DeleteYou forgot Mizzou...
ReplyDeleteUpdated. Sorry for the omission!
Delete