2011 "Best" of Columbia Awards (Ridiculous)

Once again, The State newspaper has beclowned itself. The 2011 “Best of Columbia” awards are atrocious. How bad are they, you ask?

To start off with, The State has the awards in scribd.com. Here's the link: 2011 Awards It’s an awkward site, and it’s unnecessary since The State has their own website – you may have run across it. So for starters, The State has made it difficult for their readers to look at the list. Not a good omen.

Real Estate

The cover page is a wonderful color page showing people jumping for joy at how happy they are to have found the “Best” in Columbia. Wow. I’m excited now. Hold me back. As I scroll to the first actual page of content I see the “Best Realtor" in Columbia. However, Russell & Jeffcoat was voted “Best Real Estate Company”. So maybe it’s like the Heisman – you don’t have to be on the National Championship team to win it.

Moving on, I’m interested to see what else is the “Best” here in Columbia. Ok, in double-overtime, the Columbia Museum of Art took the title of “Best Art Gallery”. Ummm….are there any other art galleries in Columbia? Whatever. Maybe the folks at The State are starting with the easy ones. On to what I’m interested in: Restaurants.

Restaurants

These awards are probably the biggest miscarriage of justice I have ever seen in my entire life. Bigger than OJ getting found not guilty. We're talking bigger than Plessy v. Ferguson. We’re talking great blunders in history. I almost don’t even know where to start.

Best Italian Restaurant

Probably in the biggest travesty I’ve ever seen in my entire life, the “Best Italian Restaurant in Columbia” is….Olive Garden? This must be some sort of misprint that is going to be retracted soon. Just off the top of my head, Garibaldi’s and Restaurante Divino’s are two of the best restaurants in general in Columbia. And they’re both ITALIAN restaurants. I don’t understand how this could have possibly happened. I’m just dumbfounded on this one. I actually looked for another category of “Best Fine-Dining Italian Restaurant” but to no avail.

Best Mexican Restaurant

Eric’s San Jose Took this award. However, the real answer is none. There is no good Mexican food in Columbia. This award should not be given out.

Best Pizza

Hat tip to Ed Black on this one – Congratulations to Pizza Hut on having the “Best Pizza” in Columbia! Apparently, Za’s; Dano’s, Pizza Man, Pizza Joint, Mellow Mushroom, Z-Pizza, and LaBrasca’s can’t hold a candle to the Pizza Hut pizza. Hey, I guess we should at least be glad that Pizza Hut didn’t also get named the “Best Italian Restaurant” as well.

Ok, so maybe if we use this as a guide on which restaurants to avoid, we can at least get some utility out of this farce. Moving along to retail…

Retail

I’m always looking for good products at a great price with knowledgeable staff. Let’s see what The State has for me here.

Best Appliance Store

Lowe’s? Whatever. Jeffers McGill beats Lowe’s like a red-headed stepchild when it comes to customer service. Next…

Best Bookstore

Books-a-Million? Heck, I would have voted for Amazon.com

Best Gardening Center

Lowe’s again. Wow. I’m glad we’re seeing such great local stores on this list so far. Note, Woodley’s took the title of “Best Plant Nursery” so only go to Lowe’s for your gardening needs if you’re not looking for plants. I hear they have some awesome pea-gravel.

Best Windows and Siding

I believe you’ll find that right next to the best appliance retailer section. Lowe’s again! I’m sure no contractors have any objections to this. What about Home Depot?

Best Department Store

Belk. Meh…I’m not a big “department store” guy, so this is fine with me. However, this becomes relevant later.

Best Outdoor Furniture

Right between the appliances at Lowe’s and the Garden Center at Lowe’s, you’ll find the best Outdoor Furniture. Yes – Lowe’s again!

Best Men’s Clothing Store

When you’re looking for some well-tailored sartorial splendor in Columbia….head to Belk. WHAT?

How can this be correct? Look, you idiots gave Belk an award already. What’s with running up the score and making yourselves look stupid? Granger Owens, Brittons,  or what about the men’s department in Dillard’s? I hear good things… This is insanity.

Best Women’s Shoe Store

BELK again for the win!

Best Women’s Clothing Store

When you’re looking for the haute couture, head for…Kohls! Seriously, where’s the real list? This is just getting so bad, it’s not even remotely possible to recover.

Finally, to top it all off, we get the category of “Best Vision Wear”. What does this even mean? Is this glasses? If so, when did glasses become vision wear? When did I miss that change? Maybe I’ll start using that: “Hey man, sweet vision wear; are they new?” “Totally, I’m a little near sighted, but this set of vision wear has me seeing 20/20”. And who gets the title of selling the best “vision wear” in Columbia – Wal-Mart. I should have figured.

In sum, these “awards” really take any credibility and respect that The State newspaper possibly had left. You would do better to just google-search something, rather than follow these awards. Your move, State newspaper